The chase

Naked and weary, she trudged through the hollow streets of a nameless place.  Her pain blinded her vision, and did not allow her to make sense of the dusty footpath that opened up before her like a serpent spitting malice and remorse. Tears streamed down her face, marking a steady trail of dirt and grime at its wake.  She was in a state of trance, like an insane animal, unable to steer her own movements. At times, she couldn’t walk, but merely staggered on her knees until her palms, already raw and bleeding, were her only support on the pitying earth. There were people around her, who were shouting obscenities at her. She didn’t hear or understand what they were saying. Her pain was too much, too deep to care. To care about anything else anyone else was doing or saying. They didn’t understand. How could they. They did not know. Nor would they care if they knew. This was her fault. Her burden to bare. No one else. She alone had let these dreadful events take place. It was she who left her adored parents behind and eloped with her handsome lover. It was she who had left her husband dead at the wake of a lethal snake bite. It was she who had lost her newborn to an eagle that carried it off as pray. It was she who had let her eldest drown in the raging river. She had lost everything dear to her within a matter of few hours. 

They would never know her pain. Only saw her wretched naked self running through the streets.  “The mad wench with no shame” they screamed after her and assaulted her with sticks and stones that bruised her already weak body.  Her heart screamed in anguish and her body flayed to reach out to someone who could help her forget, or bring back what she lost.
Someone at the market place, out of pity pointed out in the direction of a nearby sanctuary where a wise man lived.  ‘He may be able to make peace in you,’ said they.    

She ran in that direction, and found herself in a garden. One which had trees and bushes and flowers scattered throughout. There, among the foliage she saw a man.  She fell in front of Him in a crumpled heap of dirt and penitence. In her state of despair, she did not bother to be civil or polite but went to demand pity and console. 

“I lost everything” she cried.  
“What is this ‘everything’ that you speak of?” He inquired out loud, as though asking a question from himself rather than directed at her. He seemed a little preoccupied by the looks of him. He was walking among the trees, slowly stroking their tender leaves. He didn’t even look at her. But merely spoke to the general air around him. And before she could reply with her plight, he continued once again, speaking more to the general air around him. 

“What is it about life that makes you happy? That makes you want to live? Is it the people around you, your family, your children?......Then it is love? Yes? It is love that makes you happy. That makes you whole. Each and every part of love has a face and name, isn’t? But then how is it that these names and faces that bought you so much happiness make you unhappy?” 

“When they are lost” 

“It’s a simple equation, really. If some entity were to make you happy by being close to you, it is quite obvious that by this entity moving away, you will feel sadness. Does that make any sense, I wonder.”

Again, he seemed to be preoccupied. No. Thoughtful. As though weighing his own assumptions against each other. 

“Isn’t that the nature of things? To come and go? Like the sun. Or a hurricane.  Each of them leaving happiness or sadness at its wake. The question isn’t why or how it happens. The question is do you want to continue in this cycle knowing that at times you will be ecstatically happy or unhappy? Or would you rather break free and find peace within you. 

If it is happiness that you always seek, you will chase those things that make you happy and you may never stop that chase. The ‘desire’ to be happy and free of suffering will always make you want to seek these. And when you have them, you are overjoyed. But what happens when you lose them? You are sad once more. And the cycle continues. It doesn’t necessarily have to be loved ones. Even riches and fame will make you want to chase them. Peace within you is the absence of both happiness and sadness. The interaction and the collision between these two, within you has to stop if you want to feel ‘peace’.          

It is a vicious cycle, you see. Of ‘being’ and ‘not being’. Of happiness and of suffering. Would you believe me if I said that the tears you have shed at the loss of people you love, throughout the time you have spent wandering this earth would overflow the seven oceans? Or is that too preposterous? Death overwhelms you, I understand. But no one can beat it. It is inevitable.”

Patachara thought about what he said.  She was unhappy. She was suffering. She had lost everything. But what is it this man just said? Could it be true that she have lost so many people, and had suffered so many times over and over again? Confusion momentarily replaced pain as she pondered on this new idea.  The reason for my suffering is that I lost my loved ones. How do I get rid of this sadness? The reason for my happiness was my family. Now that they are gone, I feel sadness. If the reason for sorrow is understood, what if we could somehow, make the reason go away? Eliminate the ‘reason’? Is that even possible? What is the reason for suffering?'

As the madness that had consumed her hours before slowly melted away she began to think more clearly. As though a person looking at her own self, from outside her own body. She saw herself to be naked. Ashamed, she quickly sought some form of covering and returned to walk beside the wise man. 

 ‘What then, is not temporary? How does one eliminate the reason behind suffering?’ She inquired, absorbed in where the conversation was heading.'

‘Well, everything is temporary isn’t it? All of these attachments that we have? And its not just the people in our lives. Some would chase happiness through riches and fame. But are they forever?’ He asked her.

‘I don’t think so’ she answered uncertainly. She was once again silent, as she was mulling over what he said. It isn’t as easy as it appears. No. They aren’t certainly forever. Everyone I loved, left. Whoever I seek now to fill that void, will one day leave too. Then, again I will be unhappy. And it will go on. This information was quite new to her, but she felt that there was some truth to it. He knew what he was talking about. Perhaps he has found the truth already. She thanked him for his advice, and requested that she be his disciple. She wanted to seek out the truth behind what he said. 

`

And so started on her journey to find peace. She thought about what happened to her, and this time, she did not feel sadness. Instead, she felt the empty void within her filled with the desire to seek the truth. She felt a purpose grow within her. She replayed the events over and over inside her head, and thought about the temporal nature of it all. Without the distractions of her previous life, her children, her husband, family, were just fragments of her past that no longer affected her. She did not carry their burden on her shoulders, but sought the truth. She no longer felt lost and tortured. The events that conspired no longer related to herself. One that no longer felt the pain of loss, because she did not consider herself ‘owner’ of said people. 

She felt detached. She saw them as other individuals who had been roaming about on earth beside her, but had left this plane of existence. She now felt empty. No longer sad and tormented. If this is what happens over and over again in life, I see no point in my personal misery, she thought. It is simply, the nature of things. One cannot preserve the things that bring about happiness because all of it is temporary. '

She was more observant of the nature around her. The trees, and the animals. The winds, the skies, and the earth. She felt as though the universe was slowly unraveling itself in front of her. She lived among the trees, and the shrubs, dressed modestly, and ate only enough to keep her body functioning. Like the wise old man, she sometimes found herself to be deeply immersed in her natural surroundings. She found peace among the trees and the animals. A form of peace that allowed her to think clearly. Things she did not notice before, she began to see now. She held a special fondness for water. She would sit by the side of the small water hole, close her eyes and listen. The sound of water trickling down was soft to her ears. And its touch light and pure. Its opaque texture let her see through it. Sometimes, she would see the bottom of the river bed, and at other times, she saw the little creatures that made it their home. The currents in it reminded her of the day she lost her child. It was water that took away everything long ago, wasn’t it? The harsh and ravages currents from her past, briefly brushed by her inner eye. She washed her feet with water and saw that the small slope made it slowly flow downwards. In the water that trickled past her feet, and into the river she found what she was looking for. The transient nature of life.