Im tired. Not physical fatigue. Not the one we get when we
come home after work unable to muster the strength to place the right foot
after the left. But spiritual fatigue. Im a Buddhist. Not the temple going,
hathara poyata sil samadan wena, big shradda type. But I believe that life has a purpose. Something
that has been disguised, ignored, or masked due to the distraction of worldly
wants. We are born, we grow up, eat, sleep, work marry, have kids, watch them
grow, grow old ourselves and then finally die. And then the cycle is repeated. Again.
And again. And again.
My soul has been doing it since the dawn of time. Probably
started as a micro organism then animal. forever evolving. Collecting merit and demerit throughout the
chain. Imagine the amount of misery, joy, pleasure, heartache, worry, and all
the emotions we must have gone through. I feel so exhausted just thinking about
it. Imagine the wars we must have witnessed. Imagine the people we must have
seen dying or killed. Do not even attempt to deny the colossal amount of war and
misery this world must have watched in its time. Since time memorial, earth has
witnessed one war after another and most of the times, several wars at the same
time. Each party unaware or unsure about who is angry with whom or for what
reason while each party think they are correct.
Lord Buddha has taught us that life is but mirage full of nothing
but pain and suffering and that the only way out of it is to break the life
cycle. That is to termination being born. To eliminate the first chink in the
chain. To not “be”. Not burdened by anything. Not feeling joy, pain, sorrow, regret,
pleasure, jealousy. Even joy has its consequences. Its not just the sadness
that bothers me. It’s the happiness as well. Does the absence of joy mean
sadness? If so then joy too is an unknown entity. We will forever be worried
when we are happy thinking of the sadness to come once the happiness is gone
and being sad once there is no happiness.
I don’t understand. Maybe iv got it all wrong. Im not sad. Or
happy. Just thoughtful. And tired. Maybe I wish life would just seize to be. So
that whatever emotions good or bad, can just obliviate into nothingness and just
not exist. Im not the one to complain though. Earth as an individual entity
should be the first to complain. He/she/it should just want things to end. After
all, what does he/she/it get in return by carrying the weight of 7 billion
people who do nothing but betray it and exploit it every second, every minute,
every hour?
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