enough

Im tired. Not physical fatigue. Not the one we get when we come home after work unable to muster the strength to place the right foot after the left. But spiritual fatigue. Im a Buddhist. Not the temple going, hathara poyata sil samadan wena, big shradda  type. But I believe that life has a purpose. Something that has been disguised, ignored, or masked due to the distraction of worldly wants. We are born, we grow up, eat, sleep, work marry, have kids, watch them grow, grow old ourselves and then finally die. And then the cycle is repeated. Again. And again. And again. 

My soul has been doing it since the dawn of time. Probably started as a micro organism then animal. forever evolving. Collecting merit and demerit throughout the chain. Imagine the amount of misery, joy, pleasure, heartache, worry, and all the emotions we must have gone through. I feel so exhausted just thinking about it. Imagine the wars we must have witnessed. Imagine the people we must have seen dying or killed. Do not even attempt to deny the colossal amount of war and misery this world must have watched in its time. Since time memorial, earth has witnessed one war after another and most of the times, several wars at the same time. Each party unaware or unsure about who is angry with whom or for what reason while each party think they are correct.

Lord Buddha has taught us that life is but mirage full of nothing but pain and suffering and that the only way out of it is to break the life cycle. That is to termination being born. To eliminate the first chink in the chain. To not “be”. Not burdened by anything. Not feeling joy, pain, sorrow, regret, pleasure, jealousy. Even joy has its consequences. Its not just the sadness that bothers me. It’s the happiness as well. Does the absence of joy mean sadness? If so then joy too is an unknown entity. We will forever be worried when we are happy thinking of the sadness to come once the happiness is gone and being sad once there is no happiness.

I don’t understand. Maybe iv got it all wrong. Im not sad. Or happy. Just thoughtful. And tired. Maybe I wish life would just seize to be. So that whatever emotions good or bad, can just obliviate into nothingness and just not exist. Im not the one to complain though. Earth as an individual entity should be the first to complain. He/she/it should just want things to end. After all, what does he/she/it get in return by carrying the weight of 7 billion people who do nothing but betray it and exploit it every second, every minute, every hour?