Periods

Alright. Dear audience, (which I hope does not involve those under the age of 13 since I did not make this PG friendly) Brace yourselves. You will find that the title gives a fitting prelude of what I'm about going to talk about. *clears throat*  Yes. It is going to be about periods. AKA  menstrual cycle. (Also ‘Monthly flower’ in certain Sub Saharan tribes ^[1])

I know, I know. Not every girl is going to wake up one day, get her period, and decide to write a blog about it so that the entire country can read it. Except for maybe Isuperwoman who gets up on her period and decides to youtube not one, but two videos on it (dude, you cool like that *high fives a virtual ‘high five’ her way*). In a conservative brown country like ours, it might be looked down upon. 

*points at my own face* Does this face look like it cares? Certainly not. So here goes. 

I’ll be talking only on my behalf when I say that “I absolutely adore getting my period”. Ima say it again, just cuz it feels so damn good. I. absolutely. adore. getting. my. period. I dunno how to explain it you in so many words, but I just love getting it. It’s just one of those things about being a woman. Second only to pushing out a 9 month old human out of a 6 inch hole that is. I take a moment to celebrate all ladies –black, white, brown, gay, bi, straight etc - out there, since the beginning of time, who have gone ahead and done the most remarkable thing that any human can do, and housed, nurtured and pushed out a human being from out of their body. *throws around universal rainbows and stars and magic and pixie dust at all women who were, are, and will be mothers*

 

That being said, periods are not the best days for 99% percent out there. I have a friend living abroad who insists that having the periods are the worst. There are several millions women who back her theory that it is the worst time of the month and they dread it coming from two weeks away. Because it’s messy and painful and our hormones are practically on fire. We’re horny. We’re worried that the stain will show, and if you’re anticipating a trip and if you haven’t got it yet, you’d sure as heck worry if you’d get it during that  jungle safari that won’t allow you a loo for several hours, you’d be worried that you’ll be in annoying moods and always worried about if there will be enough toilet stops on the way etc. Forget work schedules and family dairies. Check your period schedule! 

Let me explain to you what it feels. It’s an absolute nightmare. The stuff that Mrs. Freddy Kruger thought of. This is your vagina we're talking about. There is blood gushing out of it non stop for several days on end. You have to wear a sandwich between your legs to collect it all in. And you're on pins and needles whether or not it will show through your pants. You're on the road, or inside a bus, or at work or at school but you're mind is constantly focussed on the dam lodged between your legs. Each time you stand up to get off a bus, you're wondering if people behind you can see it poking outta your butt. You're walking sideways like a cross between duck and a crab because there's a wedge between your legs.  You're silently praying to God to stop the pain and wondering if this is how he takes out his revenge on you. It feels as though Cyclone Katrina's second cousin to the right has invaded your womb and is unleashing her wrath upon your vaginal walls. It's an endless six or seven days (to some people. Again, this varies. The level of discomfort, days, etc.) of cramps, panadols, tampons / pads, horniness, mood swings et all. The female human body, with all its curves, sights and wonders turns into a Godzilla and Katy Perry combination in the setting of 10^th century BC Sparta. 

 I know a friend of a friend who claims to lie down on floor, bundi oh-so symmetrically placed on the floor in such a way that the lower abdomen is cooled through the tile. She just lies there –chilling- during her period and threatens to mutilate anyone who so much as asks why she is on the floor or whether she is alright.  

There is a war raging inside my vagina! 

Dear men, that being said, it does by no means imply that if a lady is upset or in a cranky mood, that she is on her period. So you asking “Is this you PMSing?” is NOT okay.  There is a possibility that you have been a jerk to her and that is why she’s in a mood.  You can consider yourself an insensitive sac of balls for all she cares. 

On the other hand, buying her pads / tampons / brufen on her period is the cutest thing you can do. (If you don’t know what it is, Brufen is a pink tablet that is a pain killer used for after when you have surgery or if you break your leg. This I know for a fact that some lady friends of mine use during their periods to smooth out the rough edges.)  I have a friend, who was politely asked by a female colleague of his, to bring her a packet from the nearby kade. I can understand her plight. She probably went to the loo in the morning, only to discover that her panty now looked like the Japanese flag.  She’d have looked around in panic stricken hysteria for an available pad in her bag and smacked her head for not reloading after last time. Fortunately or unfortunately for her, it so happens that she was the only woman in the office and her only salvation at the moment was that cute specko guy sitting at his computer.  She’d slowly approached him and asked him if he would oblige, which the sweet heart kindly did. So the next month again, as fates would have it she forgets and again asks this chap if he minds running down to the store and buying her another. Which he doesn’t mind at all. The next month, on the dot, he surprises her with a packet of pads on the date he anticipates her getting it. If that isn't the cutest thing ever, I don't know what is.  

I was like ohmygawd, you adorable piece of man!! What’s more, he wasn’t even attracted to her in that way. He was just being a thoughtful soul. Now that right there is a quality that I find attractive in a man. Because I’ve noticed how guys only do favors for the girls they like. They go out of their way to make her life a living paradise but doesn’t do two shits of anything to a girl they don’t find attractive.  And then again there are these few, just few, like one in 100 guys who actually do something thoughtful to a lady friend or colleague without anticipating a ‘return on investment’. P.s. Ladies, this sweet soul is single and *cough cough* available the last time I checked. ;)  He is the artsy type, with cute glasses, just fyi.

Anyway, coming back to the whole periods thing, I’d like to share with you some facts that I noticed, about being on your period. 

·         Interesting period fact # 1 – Women in close approximate of each other synchronize in their period. Apparently, in female prison inmates are known to get their period together. Seriously. I know all ladies out there notice this, but did guys know that? Ha! I bet not. So now you do. We don’t know why, or how but we do. Which is quite interesting to me. Probably some hormonal secretion thing that triggers the other hormonal secretions around it. Which explains how when I used to go to school, my three homies and I would get it together. One would be like ‘adho, ada galena gangaki jeewithe mata” (dude, it’s the fricking Niagara falls in me today) and another would be like, “ah ehenan matath set”.  (Crud.  Ima expect that shit tomorrow ) – Although it still doesn’t explain to me how my friend who lives abroad, mind you, still manages to synch with me. Skype period synching maybe? 

·         Interesting period fact # 2 – periods stop when you’re in water. 

This is one fact that makes me think that there actually is an all seeing eye out there, a creator, who even though gave us the burden of getting periods, had atleast the decency to create our bodies in such a way that, that periods shuts off while we’re in water. That means, having a shower, having a swim, submerged in a tub, pretty much in water. Damn straight. *awards invisible medal to said creator* 

·         Interesting period fact # 3 – It is okay to do it while you’re on your period. It sounds a little messy but if both partners are cool with it, there is absolutely no problem. Also, when I said ‘it’ in the previous line, I meant things like cooking food and watching movies etc, for any of you who are under 13 and who have no clue of what I’m talking about. 

Periods are in itself a topic of wide views and concerns. Getting your first period can be a shacky experience. Especially in a Asian country like Sri Lanka where you are not allowed to see a man being during your first cycle which ends in a ‘coming of age’ ceremony to denote that she is now a woman capable of bearing children.It’s not as bad as our neighbours in India though. There, rural girls are told ‘not to cook food lest it be polluted, not to touch idols lest they be defiled and not to handle pickles because they will go rotten’. Considering that they are a nation that expects the wife to jump into their dead husband’s funeral fire, I can safely say that we saw that shit coming.  Let’s just take a moment and be grateful that we were born a few latitudes to the south and only have to deal with the lesser of two evils stupids.  [2]

Suffice to say, it’s just one of those things. One of lives magical mysteries.  It’s one of those reasons to feel like living is worth it. A certain rush of energy and warmth inside you, filling you up and bringing you down. A physical endurance that makes you feel good inside. Like running a mile or climbing a mountain. It reminds me that we as women are capable of so many different things. It reminds me what women are capable of, as human beings and as caregivers. It reminds me that the woman’s body is vessel to host and nurture another living berthing human being. A body that fights, endures and survives a lot of things, of stretching to the limit, and then snapping back to being as good as new.

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[1]where they sometime tend to sew their women’s’ vagigages so that they don’t have sex without consent –here’s why I said it would not be PG 13 and you can read up on that gruesomeness here http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs241/en/ but I implore you not to because its just too effed up. 

                                                                                                                                                                

[2] Not just these, but there are plenty of menstrual related taboos that have given way to patriarchy.  Menstrual blood taboos have been used since god knows when by men to control women and, “consequently, menstrual blood was interpreted away from something powerful to a “disgusting” waste product that had no role in the reproductive process. “ – Internet.   - Don’t even get me started on that shit.