adult attachment whatwhat?

So anyways, I got my hands full these days with some freelance stuff that I volunteered to do for a friend of mine who is training to be a psychologist. Her recent work includes women and how attached they are to their partners, their insecurities and whether or not their early child hood has any effects to the above. Pretty neat stuff. She interviews various people with the same bunch of questions trying to form a pattern on how these things work, especially in a more Asian oriented background such as ours.

Findings show that insecure attachment styles are gender specific. Females, anxiety over abandonment was found to be a strong correlation. The gender differences may reflect sex-role stereotypes, whereby women are socialized to value emotional closeness and men are socialized to value self-reliance. (Paul Renn 2006/07)

There is a desire for an intimate relationships but a countervailing fear of disapproval and rejection. This Internal conflict leads to inflexible behavior to avoid intimacy which in turn creates tension and disappointment in the couple’s relationship.

Most of the questions focus around how insecure or secure the individual is in intimate relationship. I thought it was quite fascinating. The way humans interact with each other and how they expected the other person to feel the same way. (But I guess that is what humans do. Apart from killing each other for earth based minerals, they do try to connect or bond with other human beings in their spare time. )

Several factors that seemed to affect them

* Education/ employment and or financial stability/ income

* Other relationships with parents/ friends

*family background and upbringing ex how close were they to their parents or guardians

From my observations, and I'm no genius when it comes to the matters of the heart or neurons in this sense, Most of the findings point out to how the woman is more or less secure in every other aspect apart from her relationship with the lover for example, they had solid friends that they could rely on (But only when partner based relationships are concerned some did have paternal issues as well such as alcoholic fathers and depressed mothers.).

One major factor was financial stability

If they were not financially stable, they are actually quite dependent on the partner financially. The feeling of insecurity among women was high on those who were not financially stable compared with the ones who were. The feelings associated with dependency were stronger in them rather than in those who were stable. The question of “If he’s not in the picture, how will I fend myself?” was nagging at them.

Survival. I thought, was the reason behind that feeling of  “latching on”. Dependent because they needed to survive somehow. Insecure because they felt they were vulnerable.

Most women were financially stable to an extent but were still quite insecure about whether or not their partner would leave them. Women did not want to appear “clingy” or even “desperate” just because they wished they were able to share their thoughts and feelings with the partner.  The partners, they felt did not want to connect to them as much as they wanted to. And that worries them. They were comfortable enough with them around but they were not willing to accept the fact that one day, the partner will leave.

I felt that one woman who was not employed there by having no means to look after herself and her baby, was rather dependent upon her partner emotionally.

One woman 38, in particular caught my attention. Educated, career woman, dead father, living with her mother, in a relationship for 6 years. ( out of the interviewees, she was the one in the longest relationship) She thought of the whole concept of relationship as being universal how one can never truly expect the partner to be by their side forever. Which to me, made complete sense. (“Great Expectations” is expecting someone to be by someone side for an entirely life time) She considers marriage “sacred” and her tone suggests that she does not worry too much about her partner leaving her in the event it does happen suggesting that she was quite comfortable with him and the “life-time” factor.

R: Do you ever worry your partner will lose interest in you?

C: yes, sometimes

R: Are you confident that your partner will stay will you?

C: Not really. There is a possibility of him not being.

To me, she seemed to have come to accept that things might change and that nothing is truly permanent. It has not unnerved her all that much. (why? Because she is financially secure and able to ‘survive’ on her own?) Her logic made the most sense. She was happy with the security she received from her partner for the time being but did not dwell too much on the future where that may not be plausible. And isn’t that we are all looking for? Temporary madness?

R:  In your opinion what makes a healthy relationship?

C: honesty. Commitment. Fun. Not to take it too seriously. But to have fun. Main thing is be yourself. If you’re yourself, you don’t have to be a fake person, just be you with that person.

Were her concluding words. Rather interesting area, psychology is. I might venture and assert myself in that direction as well. At least, it gives great perspective to the seemingly mind boggling area of human interaction.